Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
Webmaster's Note: Ray Fleig sent me this in an email and it was just too good to
pass up :o)
The Differential Theory of US
Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Sattelite coordinates to
snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest
and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral
damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives & Theater Commander Rules of Engagement
by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement
upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat
snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver
forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites
SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film
in which SEALS kill terrorist/extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of
ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces
from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply:
{NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.}
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
and delivers 2 weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles.
Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs
and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM
east of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear
but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling w/low
cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future
to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake as snakes don't
show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's
without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake
and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from
National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active.
We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Aubrey R. Henley
Director,
Office of the Chief of Armor
DSN 464-5155
Soldiers Are Our Business
Webmaster's Note: "You just gotta love a guy with a sense of humor."